a bit of cheesecloth found in a small, neat cabin near the great keep had this endearing note carefully marked in charcoal letters by an unskilled hand. Cue a Ken Burns documentary violin, and imagine the voice of Robert Duvall as you read...

     Dear Maw,

     I am writin dis letter asittin at tha tavern in the old Keep.  It's a nice place, the beer bucket ain't so good as yourn, knotte enuf bitters an' too much foam...also not so cool but it slakes a thirst purty good.

    I made me sum new frinds here awlreddy. Busk an Rusk are twins and Dwarfmen too. They's reel tuff! Glom is anuther fitin man, he don say much, but i seen him nockked out twiced in one day an nary a whimper, din even take his helmet off to ease the bump on his noggin! I kin learn from him some good skillz I think.

     They wuz anuther sojer too hiz name wuz Grew, but wuz kilt in aur fite with tha kobold-men uv wich moar innabit...

They ar thwee uther folkz to. Mort-uh-leg is a yungling wizzerd, I seen him use a spell what made like an arruhw of fire what hurt thuh owlbear reel bad-like. Moor on dat inna sec.  Knee-shim is whatcha mite cawl a dark-hood-bow-man type feller. He down talk too much neether, but sometimes he sez one little thing an its reel funny, moar funny than most folks can jaw inna whole day. He knowz evreething about unlocking boxes and doors and kin really hide so good you woodnit know he wuz dere.

Oh, an dere's dis gurl too, She's a half-a-ling, which is like a dwarve, but with a beard on her bare feets insted of her chin. She is way better to hit things with her sling than I'll ever bee- but don worry ma, I ain't kwit my pracktisin  I may have broked a winder or two...

Windee seems pretty nice, dats her name, Windey, It fits her I guess.

Aneehows dis mornin we sit out fer de famous Caves O' Kay-os. It's like a grotto off thuh rode, not too fur from the Ol' Keepe.  Well, In the morning Springtime Sun it din seem so sinister as all them tales had led me tuh believe, all new green shoots, uncurling leaves, fresh rain smells, and churpin burdies everwhur. Tho I woodint wanna be thar after dark, cause them brambles started to look moar wurreysume as we was leavin.

Weel,, we followed a path-like up too this cave-hole whur they all'd been befure...the fot a owlbhar thar, and had found themselves a nice schalis, which is fancyfolk talk for a rich man's big ol cup. Wee thot it be gud too look fer moar there.  Weel, we founded moar sure nuf. It wuz a big den, and it had an even bigger owlbhar in thar than the guys kilt afoe...meybbee his brother, or maybbe he wuz the ded ones Mister, but anyhow he wuz snoring hard asllep when we come to him. Oh, and I found a penny of copper 'bout then, to. Well, we figured to send Busk an Rusk sneakin in to wollop ol Mr. Ohwlbhar, which they did purtty good...but it jus woke him up inna reel bad mood and put a doozy of a fite on owr hands. It wuz fun, folks agittin nokked out, bhar all roaring and swinging wif his big claws...he laid a bite on me that likked tuh kilt me, but lukkynuf they had dis magic juice that did me rite up! And we fot moar.

    Well, ventchulee we dun him in an now he won do no one no trubbel no moar.  Thin we lookt round his ol cave mitey hard fer money and jools and jems and such. I did find one old silver dubloon...but dat wuz bout it...escept a ol bit of wizzurd writin what was all neet and tidy inna bone scroll case, (dat give mle the idee to make one like it fer dad to put his splits for fire makin and pipe litin in, oh and to write this hear letter). Like I sed, we looked a spell, but come up with nuthin but a coin fer owr trubbel. So, thinkin meybbee an ol owelbhar pelt mite git us a few pennies at least...i skinned him quick, a tossed his skin rolled up lik a rug over muh sholder. I sure am glad eye dhid too, as I will relate inna bit.

    Then we kept searchin back up the tunnel thuh uther wae, whar we found a big rocky black pool. They fawght sumpthin aur uther here before and didn't thik it wurth the bother to do moar so we wint bak out and hunted up anuther kavehole to look into. Weel, furst we took kinda a short rest  to drink heelin poshunns an breethe a spell. But thin we wuz awl reddy to fite sum else, so we voted to look fer a mite moar trubbel, tucked into this other cave hole like i sed. We pikked this one acuz they awl sed thed seen some kobold-folk dis way, and I knowed you be reel proud if'n we knocked summa Thim about a little. 

    Weeel, I ledd thuh wae wif muh Ten Fut Powl, pokkin and proddin each step furthur inta thuh darnknis. Feelin' pruty smart I was thinking we were doin awright, but we ain't gone fowrtee feets in afore we was brot up short agin' a big passel of kobold folks. If'n Wehndee wudn't beein alert behind us, they'd done us fer sure, bekawse right up our backside wuz at leest another duzen moar- whur the come frum i won ever know. 

    Now proceeded the hardest FITE of muh yung life. All whuppin, hollerin, swingin wild in the dim dark of our horn-lantern. Mr. Kobold is a hard feller to smash, but like a clat pot, when you do finally git a thump laid on one they break reel gud. Stiil, we out numburd before and behind, and new we wuz in a reel spot of trubbel. Thuh only saeftee wuz to git back out thuh way we kame, as it wuz daytime we kneew they'd leave us bee purty much if we kud jus git out.  But a dozen them fellers were between us an ouwtside, an if we wuz so foowlish as tuh turn about theyd be that an moar a bitin' at owr sittin gear.

weel, whin we first saw these kobold fellers i got it in mind to try a trick, and make lik I wuz a fur seller trying to git money fer that ol awlbhear fur. They wuzn't in thuh markit tho. And as a gift it's ripe an smelly stink wuz not as attraktif as I thunked they might like so they wur about to put down some hurt towards us so I thin figurred to toss it like a blankette over theys heads, thinkin that at least it mite give us a space to turn about and charge the ones onna way out. But yoo knoah how I amn at throwin things, and thuh big ol stinky thing jus fell ib front of mee. But seein it thar, before the could doo much, I'd fished out muh extra oyl flask (tell dad I did heer his stories) and threw it at thim, I missed again tho!  Lucky us, that mess started burnin up the fur and making a big smokey stinky nasty kind uv wall that gave us a minute to git out. About dat time Windy and Neeshym were goin to town on the little bad fellers behind us. Neschim even pinned one to the cave whall with a Clothyard Shaft like nuthin I ever seen befure.

    This is whur GRoowe met hiss Dee-mize. 

So I took hold of his ankle as I passed and dragged him owt with us into the blessed sunshine, where we kawt awr breath and counted heds, finkers, and towes, we waz ruffed up sometin awful, and it was kleer that we wuz done for that day. Whel, you'll be glad to know the hoel company shelled out reel good to gove Mr. Grewe a mighty nice decent and civilized burial. I sure hope to give yew and paw such a nice one one day...a fancy stone casket, and hedstone, preists, and even sojers wuz there. Boy, it was smart!

     An theres my tale, ma. We gots to go now on account of runnin outof roomonthispaper

-Thewz